


A Director's Ego

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crying Breakfast Friends, Episode: s06e10 Prickly Pair, Funny, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Steven goes mad with power
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:15:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28621641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: “Steven?” Peridot asked as the young man picked seeds from the Little Homeworld greenhouse. “What are you doing?”“Oh, just recreating the cast of Crying Breakfast Friends with fruits and vegetables that I plan to give sentience, so I can create my own continuation of the series. Why do you ask?”
Comments: 9
Kudos: 19





	A Director's Ego

Steven hadn’t left his bed in days.  _ Crying Breakfast Friends: Dessert  _ had just ended, with Anxious Avocado going off to meet other foods in the world.

He couldn’t deal with it. He refused to deal with it. His favorite show, ending? What was he going to do with himself? How was he going to survive without more  _ Crying Breakfast Friends  _ content to look forward to?

Then an idea occurred to him. A brilliant idea! The best idea Steven would ever have. There was no way this idea could fail!

\---

“Steven?” Peridot asked as the young man picked seeds from the Little Homeworld greenhouse. “What are you doing?”

“Oh, just recreating the cast of  _ Crying Breakfast Friends  _ with fruits and vegetables that I plan to give sentience, so I can create my own continuation of the series. Why do you ask?”

Peridot blinked. “...May I have creative input?”

\---

“Alright! Casting day!” Steven said, warping into the Beach House’s living room. It had been draped in black, converted into a makeshift casting studio. A line of sentient fruits and vegetables was going out the door. Steven looked at the audition sheet. “First up… Sad Apple.”

Sad Apple hopped onto the couch. Across from him was Jasper, acting as the script supervisor.

“Scene one,” Jasper grumbled. “Spilled Milk just fell over. Now Sad Apple is crying.”

A single tear flowed from Sad Apple’s eye, his lip quivering. What was this? This wasn’t crying! This was that lame “sexy crying” that Steven hated. Where was the sobbing? Where was the emotion? It made Steven...angry.

_ “Next!”  _ Steven shouted, glowing pink.

“Why is the food alive again?” Jasper asked.

“Up next,” Steven said, ignoring Jasper, “Crying Pear?”

Pear walked through the door, smiling happily.

_ “NEXT!”  _ Steven shouted. “Jasper!”

Pear screamed and ran out the door as Jasper stood up, so much taller than the tiny piece of fruit.

\---

_ Day 1 of Shooting _

“And...action!” Steven said, sitting on a stereotypical director’s chair with an equally-stereotypical beret. They had their actors atop the kitchen table, with a camera aimed right at them.

“I’m so...sad!” Overwhelmed Orange cried, bawling into her hands.

“Cut!” Steven yelled. “I’m not feeling it! Cry  _ harder!”  _

Overwhelmed Orange cried even harder, collapsing onto the table in distress.

“Roll camera, roll camera, this is gold!” Steven smiled deviously, as Jasper silently started the camera up again.

\---

_ Day 23 of Shooting _

“Steven, I’m not sure about these scenes you wrote,” Peridot said, arriving on set. Steven was now looking very disheveled, with heavy bags under his eyes.

“What’s wrong with them?” Steven asked as the scene played out on the table.

“I’m so sad my friends are  _ leaving!”  _ Anxious Avocado declared.

“But we’re not leaving!” Sad Pomegranate assured him. “We’re going to stay here forever and ever and ever and never leave you.”

“It seems a little...gratuitous?” Peridot shrugged. “I do not think it is a fulfilling conclusion to Avocado’s character arc in the original series, for everyone to encourage his dependent nature.”

“What original series?” Steven asked, his eye twitching. “This is the only  _ Crying Breakfast Friends _ . Are you disagreeing with  _ my  _ vision for  _ my  _ series?!”

“Uh, no, I mean, uh…”

_ “Get out!”  _

Jasper rolled her eyes at Peridot on her way out.

_ \--- _

_ Day 57 of Shooting _

Steven had realized that simply filming in his own kitchen wasn’t enough. He needed to fully recreate the _ Crying Breakfast Friends _ experience, renting out the Beach City warehouse and building a full-size, screen-accurate kitchen set. He had a crane hanging overhead, carrying a refrigerator above the kitchen table.

“Alright, here’s our big scene!” Steven said, now glowing pink all the time and larger in size. “Depressed Carrot?”

Jasper, in a giant carrot costume, opened the fridge door.  _ “What?”  _ she growled.

“You have to be big and intimidating. Can you do that?”

Jasper glared at him and shut the fridge door.

“Places, people!” Steven shouted through a megaphone, crushing it with his sheer strength. “I don’t have until Era 4!”   
  


“With this budget? You definitely do,” Lars scoffed, dressed in a pink pomegranate costume. Topaz was standing next to him, in a big banana outfit.

“I didn’t need that college fund anyway!” Steven barked. “Lights, camera, let’s go people! I didn’t fire all those fruits and veggies for nothing!”

As Steven continued shouting, Lars called someone he knew could help. “Connie? It’s Lars. Your boyfriend’s gone crazy.”

\---

“Steven, are you okay?” Connie asked.

“Yeah! Of course I am! Everything is going perfectly with my perfect vision of  _ Crying Breakfast Friends _ . Which is what I would say if  _ someone  _ was a decent actor!”

Jasper had destroyed the set, getting in a fight with Topaz as they tried to film the invasion of the Angry Lunch Enemies. “I was behaving  _ naturally!”  _ Jasper argued.

“You’re supposed to be an evil invader destroying the Breakfast Friends’ hopes and dreams!  _ That should be perfect for you!” _

“Alright Steven,” Connie sighed, “I didn’t want to do this, but you leave me no choice.”

Connie took out her phone, and made a call.

\---

A series of black sedans entered Beach City, stopping outside the warehouse. Steven’s former cast, a series of assorted fruits and veggies, stood on the sidewalk, holding tiny signs that read “Actorz 4 Hire.”

A woman in blonde hair, wearing a bright blue tank top and a leather jacket, stepped out of the sedan, smiling an amused smile at the unemployed foodstuffs as she walked inside.

“Who’s there?!” Steven asked as he wrestled with Jasper in the debris. “This is a closed set!”

“Samantha Pepper, please to meet you,” the woman smiled.

“Sam...Samantha...Samantha Pepper?” Steven blinked, freezing in place.

An army of lawyers popped out from behind her, each of them in drab, gray suits. They handed him a large stack of Cease & Desist orders.

“Sorry, the network was going to pull the plug on...this...one way or another. I actually don’t mind. It’s fanfic as far as I’m concerned.”

“You...you read fanfiction?” Steven asked, collapsing to the floor in the sight of his idol.

“Yeah! It’s a good way to continue a series you like after it's over.” She looked over at Jasper, who was busy trying to catch a fly that was buzzing around. “Your casting choices are...interesting.”

Steven’s glow had disappeared and he had shrunk back to his normal size. “I’m sorry.”

“Steven,” Samantha said, kneeling down to meet his gaze, “it’s okay. It’s not goodbye, it’s just...see you later. Let Anxious Avocado have some privacy.”

“Yeah...yeah, that makes sense,” Steven said, smiling a hesitant smile. “Wait, how did you find me?”

“Your girlfriend.”

Connie waved from the other end of the warehouse, walking up to Ms. Pepper and shaking her hand. “Thank you ma’am. Steven, wanna get some pizza?”

“...Sure.”

As everyone emptied out of the room, Jasper stood up in protest. “Wait, where are you going?” she asked.

“Show’s over, Jasper,” Steven shrugged. “Do something better with your life!”

_ “I rehearsed all these lines for nothing?!”  _ Jasper shouted, beating up the ground.

The warehouse door closed, leaving Jasper alone in her carrot costume. She would get over it, but for now? She was angry.

And Steven definitely wasn’t getting the deposit back on the warehouse.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks to E350tb for beta-reading and to Goodyfresh (and others I may be forgetting) for giving me ideas! And DepressedCarrot for letting me use them as a CBF character.


End file.
